Up until that day I have those clear vivid memories I told you about but from there on it is almost totally darkness. Two very different kinds of darkness. The first kind is where the memory gap is. I have very few very hazy memories from then until around 12 when I start to have the vivid memories again, but none as strong as the early ones. The second kind of darkness was the emotional darkness. Most people, if ever, will only have to deal with one emotional disorder in their lives. By 10 I had depression and paralyzing anxiety and paranoia. I would have panic attacks to the point of nearly passing out at LEAST once a month. When normal kids where out playing hide and seek and going to the play ground I couldn't hardly leave the house without having a break down much less those sorts of activities which guaranteed complete melt down mode. So when I recall what most people would consider the best parts of there childhood there is nothing there for me and what is there is painful.
I am getting better but still struggle with these things a lot. More recently the depression more so than the anxiety. I think I do well with managing these things on my own, but I fear that I might have bipolar depression which would explain why I have days where I am giddy and reckless and then have other days when I just want to take every pill in our cabinets and run into the street with on coming traffic just to silence the pain. I have done my best to just avoid it but I think I really do need to talk about it more. I just really don't know what to do.
