Why Me?

Today on twitter wheniwaslittle was a trending topic and it just made me want to cry a little. You see I have really vivid memories of my early childhood. From 4 to 6 years old I can tell you specific details about those years right down to what food I ate where and what I wore on specific occasions. Then in 2001 some thing none of use will ever forget happened. 9/11. Sure most kids remember it some what. They can tell you they knew it was not a good thing, but generally they all went on unfazed. But that day changed my life forever.

Up until that day I have those clear vivid memories I told you about but from there on it is almost totally darkness. Two very different kinds of darkness. The first kind is where the memory gap is. I have very few very hazy memories from then until around 12 when I start to have the vivid memories again, but none as strong as the early ones. The second kind of darkness was the emotional darkness. Most people, if ever, will only have to deal with one emotional disorder in their lives. By 10 I had depression and paralyzing anxiety and paranoia. I would have panic attacks to the point of nearly passing out at LEAST once a month. When normal kids where out playing hide and seek and going to the play ground I couldn't hardly leave the house without having a break down much less those sorts of activities which guaranteed complete melt down mode. So when I recall what most people would consider the best parts of there childhood there is nothing there for me and what is there is painful.

I am getting better but still struggle with these things a lot. More recently the depression more so than the anxiety. I think I do well with managing these things on my own, but I fear that I might have bipolar depression which would explain why I have days where I am giddy and reckless and then have other days when I just want to take every pill in our cabinets and run into the street with on coming traffic just to silence the pain. I have done my best to just avoid it but I think I really do need to talk about it more. I just really don't know what to do.

Speechless

Though the title might imply that I have nothing to say to ever say that I had nothing to say would be lying. I just don't think I should or can say what I wish to say. As a general rule in my life I don't keep much to myself. I don't hide or pretend or lie to the people around about what I'm thinking because it will make things easier. That is not the kind of person I am.

In this moment and in these last few days I have managed to say things I have regretted(which is also a rare a occurrence) and have thoughts things I have regretted not saying. Sometimes I wonder just what is wrong with me that I don't want what the rest of the world seem to crave. That I push away the things that most humans thrive off of. Such as complements and affirmation from your peers. The more people say nice things about me the worse I feel. I even had one instance when I didn't want to leave my home in fear of having to face someone who was going to tell me how pretty I was that day, or how much they liked my hair or shoes. I only seem to enjoy the wrong kind of attention.

Another feeling I have recently stumbled across is that in a relationship when you give me what I want I don't want you any more. Just like a guy dumps a girl after they have sex the nicer you are to me and the more defensive and protective of me you are the less I want you. In my minds eye I crave someone who will give me these things because isn't I love you what every girl wants to hear? To me though the thought of someone saying I love you makes me ill.

Which moves on to my next problem. I am dumbfounded by the human infatuation with life. I don't see the appeal of living especially if you believe in a higher power. Why prolong your suffering hear if you really believe that there is something better waiting for you elsewhere. But here is where I come to that roadblock where I know what I want to say but just don't think I can say it. But since I know no one will actually read this I might as well. Recently I have been struggling with faith and I have come to realize that it's not because I don't want to believe but what believing will mean for me.

In my minds eye heaven is an extremely undesirable location I have about as much desire to go to heaven as I do to go to hell. But I have to thank whatever God there is out there listening to me in these weak moments of mine that it has plagued me with all these questions for without them I don't think I would be writing this right now. You see without the fear of hell and even heaven I would let this meaningless life slip through me fingers like mist in the night. When these thought first started to crop up I just pushed them aside and pretended they weren't there. Then it morphed into fear of the unknown or what death would hold for me on the other side. Now as I grow older as I struggle to believe there is something to be afraid of my only battle is with the pain I would leave behind. It must say a lot about how terrible of a person I am that the only thing keeping me here is the constant anxiety that has plagued me most of my life about my family and hurting them or them being hurt.

So back to the love thing. I wish people would love me less because then this choice would be easier to make. Am I living for them or for me? I send a thank you out to those who do love me and try so hard to fight the battle I don't want to fight for my self. But if you are reading this people who love me keep in mind that Heaven means nothing to someone who can hardly face tomorrow, compliments fall short when the person your complimenting can't see what you see, and love means little to some one who can't love themselves. I have spent approximately six and a half years riding this roller coaster.

Let me paint you a picture of this roller coaster ride experience. On this ride there are many lengthy steady places with only a minor twist or turn then these rushing highs where you are then snuggled with bunnies, doused with glister and illuminated by a rainbow followed by that steady place again, but just like any high it wears off. When your going down I want you to imagine being plummeted down a pitch black abyss that seems to last forever where you feel as if you are being crushed with hopelessness and surrounded by all of your greatest fears and every regret you have ever had; literally begging and screaming for the suffering to stop without even a glimmer at the end of the tunnel.

The worst part is knowing that in the last few years I have done my best to play the games and put on the face they want to see. The worst part is knowing that if the tunnel never reaches the light no one will ever know I was riding.