Existing

One of my favorite Christmas movies is It's A Wonderful Life that tells the age old tell about how your life means more to others than you think it does. And some days I do feel like my life is important and that it means something in the grand scheme of things. Almost as if I were destined to change the world in some way whether it be small or unrecognized while I'm alive it will happen all the same. But on most days I feel as if I am just existing and am uncomfortably aware that I am only 1 in 6.2 billion people on this Earth. That isn't even including all the people who came before us or will come after us or that may or may not exist beyond our world. Andy Warhol once said, "It’s not who you are, but who you think you are," and if I am who I think I am then on these days am I not any more than the person chosen to fill this particular time slot; like your typical 9 to 5iver am I not simply punching the clock in and out of this world with birth and death? Some days pass when I feel nothing at all. I simply am. Those days come and go with no particular effort or meaning. Then there are those days. It's not really the entire day, but merely a brief subtle moment in which times seems to stop and I feel like I'm floating alone in the void of space and all the people around me are merely figments of my imagination. It's like a slow motion scene in an action movie as if I were just prolonging the inevitable; as if I were watching from the outside. I always go back to normal as if it had never happened, but do you know what it's like to feel trapped inside your own mind with thoughts so complex you can't seem to form the proper words to describe them almost as if you were grasping for bubbles: cohesive, stable, and tangible yet translucent and fragile. But even on these days when the world seems to stop, even if only for a millisecond, for me and sometimes even more so I feel as if I were simply existing with no real purpose. Days and weeks blur together with no foreseeable end forming my life. I sometimes wish that I really could stop time or perhaps relive the same day over and over for awhile just to remind myself that this is real. This is really my only chance. Maybe I set my self up for too grand an adventure in my early childhood causing discontentment in the begings of my adult life. They scarist part of that thought is that I've always been a pessimist form the moment I formed my first free thoughts, and even in my childhood fantasies I never imagined a happliey ever after for myself. So if my young life is already falling short of my expectations for happieness based on my presumptions from a time in my life when I believed true love was nothing but pure fantasy what does that say about my distant future? And as the clock ticks away into another day I have to wonder how do I know there will even be a tomorow.